A Dance with the Breath

My first Breathwork & Spiritual Healing Session

It’s March 2022 and I’m lying on a concrete floor, in a dome in Mexico, teetering on the edge of fainting, participating in a Light Portal Ceremony. Six energy healers are present, Jose a Mystic Healer, Ina a Spirit healer, Swami who is playing a Didgeridoo to evoke a meditative state with circular breathing, Kwun a light language healer playing the drums, Garrett is chanting, and a beautiful angelic voice is singing.

There is a whirlwind of turbulent energy, the dome is dark, the floor feels cold to touch and there is a gentle cool breeze in the air. There are twenty people wailing, crying, howling, withering, and laughing. My body is covered in a cold sweat and my heart is racing.

Jose is pressing his hands deep into my chest. It feels like his fingers are made of stone, they are pressing so deep into my skin, and I am confused about how his hands can hurt this much. The feeling of pain is intense, I can’t hold back, and I scream out loud until my lungs are drained and my body is empty.  My usual fearful self would rather die than have my feelings exposed, but in this chaos and pain I don’t care if others hear.

I feel new hands on me, they belong to Ina, her fingers digging into where my stomach meets my hips. I tense my stomach to try to stop her fingers, but it makes no difference, the pain increases and it is excruciating.  I am aware of how clammy my body is and how dizzy I feel, Maya reminds me to breathe. I release my breath with a loud scream until my lungs have emptied and I can scream no more. My scream is not isolated, the dome is overflowing with screaming, howling, and crying.

My Breath holds the key to this experience
I focus on my breath, it’s the only thing I can connect to, that still feels within me. I notice when I am fearful, I hold my breath, and I become disorientated and weak.

I start to slow my breath through my mouth, an inhale, and then an exhale, to calm and self-soothe but the feelings in my body and mind are too intense.  I move my breathing to my nose, a slow inhale and exhale of air, and a sense of calm begins to enfold me. I am noticing I can impact the vision and journey of my mind.

If I wish to go deeper into the journey, I inhale deeply through my mouth and let the breath softly escape through my mouth. If I increase the pace of my breathing or make the inhale more forceful, I expand my mind.

If I retain my breath after an inhale or an exhale, my mind travels even further.  It is the first time in my life I have played with my breath, and I am in awe of how powerful it is. When the intensity of my mind or body feels overwhelming, I gently and slowly inhale and exhale through my nose and my mind quietens, the visions slow down and the fear dissipates from my body.

A Wild Dance, Sexy, Ferocious & Tantalising Gentle Breathwork Dance
It’s like a wild dance, sexy, ferocious, I am unsure of what move will come next, it’s also tantalisingly gentle too. I have never consciously experienced this dance before, but it’s like my body and breath already know the steps.  The place my mind is in, is deep and dark and yet it’s truly beautiful. I don’t wish to leave, it feels like I could learn so much here, and I am home.

My Inner Child Appears
My mind has started to travel, vivid images flash before me, they move so quickly, bouncing from one to another, and then suddenly, I feel myself sink into the vision and I am present.  I see a small girl, I think it is me, she looks like me – long dark hair with big eyes, I know it’s me, but I see she’s lonely and on her own, and I don’t know why. I sense she has been there for a long time, and she’s lost and scared. I lift my arms and offer her my hands to come to me.  Space has no meaning here and I am not sure where I am, it seems only the two of us exist in this place, it’s dark and neither of us has bodies yet I can feel we are both here.  I whisper to her, come to me, you will be safe, come lie in my arms. I want to hold her close, but she is scared, and she won’t come, it feels like I will never be able to persuade her. I stay still, my hands offered to her, and I give her all the love I have in me and then she is in my arms. I hold her tight and squeeze her, I breathe with her, savouring every inhale and exhale and sob. Why is my little one on her own, she’s so lost and so young to be on her own. I can feel how lonely and scared she is, and she doesn’t know what to do, she’s lost.

I wish I could keep her tight in my arms and stay with her, keep her safe, but I know she doesn’t belong in this space. I tell her softly she needs to join the others, there are so many little ones up there, they are playing, and I can see them. I am not able to define where this place is, but I know it exists, it’s a different dimension from where I am.  I know they will look after her, she is one of them, she is them. The time has come to release her, but I can feel she doesn’t want to leave, she’s been on her own for so long. I need to give her more time and I wait until slowly the trust comes.  She agrees to leave, and I give her a final hug and squeeze, I kiss her on her head, and I cry, I wish I could keep her safe with me.  I lift her up, there are five or six small girls in a circle holding hands and playing ring-a-ring-a-roses, they are all her which I don’t understand but it’s ok. They open a space in the circle and offer their hands to join them and she holds them and as she does, they all merge into one. I know she is where she belongs, she is safe now.

The Power of the Breath
I haven’t taken psychedelics, I haven’t taken any drugs, I haven’t had alcohol or tobacco since arriving in Mexico. No one has taken hallucinogenic drugs, this is a safe space that has been created by breath, movement, music, and energy. Its chaos, its beauty, it’s wild, dark yet liberating. The howling in the dome is loud, the noise is intense, the chanting is fast, and I can feel deep pain in the room and lost souls, I want to tell them they are safe.  I don’t feel the need to protect my space, I inherently know I am already protected. Maybe this is my naivety as I have never been here before, I am so overwhelmed that it doesn’t cross my mind that not all entities are good. Maybe it’s my dad’s recent passing as I trust my dad will come to me if I need him.  Fear fleetingly crosses my mind, what if I have gone mad, maybe I have gone mad, what happens if I can’t come back from this place, I need to stay as I must see the end of the story.  I can’t leave even if I want to, I don’t have the physical strength, I can’t stand, I can’t sit up, and I will collapse if I try, lying on the floor in the dome is the safest place for me to stay.

I became aware of my friend Samantha, an experienced energy healer, lying next to me; I trust her implicitly and I feel safe with her nearby. For some unknown reason, I don’t feel self-conscious about Samantha, her aura says everything is accepted and I know it’s true. The visions that are creating my story have returned, my mind floats between them until it finds a new place to settle, and the journey starts again….

Welcome to the first dance with my breath…. a door has opened, I am curious, and I want to look deeper.

The Journey Continues
I was hooked, I knew I had found something special for my own deep inner self-healing and my passion led me to study Conscious Connected Breathwork.  Check out my bio if you would like to know more about the amazing leading breathwork experts I studied with and how the journey unfolded.

Curious About Breathwork?
If you’re curious about diving into breathwork or looking to deepen your practice, I would love to support you in this journey.  To make offerings accessible to everyone I have a variety of programs, from in-person breathwork coaching in Brighton & Hove to online breathwork, couples and friends’ group breathwork, to monthly workshops and in-person retreats.  Feel free to reach out anytime if you have a question you would love to have answered or a book a free discovery call.

With much love,
Pauline @ ToBeBreath